Stepping Up to Ninth Grade: A Guide

Windhorse Team
7 days ago
14 min read

Calling all rising ninth graders and their families! We invite your family to engage in a night of community, learning, and support. Please join us in our night of “Stepping Up!"

This includes:

● Separating into teen and parent groups with discussion and engaging activities

● Finding community in the challenges and wins of the high school transition

● Gaining a holistic understanding and support for your teen

● Establishing cohesive communication and getting on the same page

● Collecting resources for continued social/emotional learning and communication development within the family system

● Join Tess O’Brien, Tessa Speaks, and Ali Malkin of Windhorse Counseling at 9 Pond Lane, Concord, MA; Suite 4D on Wednesday, September 16th from 4:30 pm-6:00 pm!

Freshman year is one of growth, self-awareness, and teens finding their place in a larger community. Your teens will face obstacles, new friendships, social, emotional, and academic challenges, successes, and opportunities for growth. Addressing these issues will help them build resiliency. As your teenager learns strategies to handle the unexpected, the pitfalls, and the stressors, they discover that they can use these techniques in other areas in their lives. As they learn these life-long skills, you can support them through these challenges and watch their self-confidence grow.

Freshman year establishes the foundation for subsequent high school experiences. Developmentally, ninth graders are working on who they are and how they will define themselves. It’s a big year! This learning dovetails with their making sense of their new environment, as they work with their teachers and begin to take ownership of their education.

Dos and Don’ts

Do:	Don't:
· Remember that your teenager watches and learns from you · Discuss limits and consequences · Talk about how you’ve handled transitions · Encourage down time · Let them sleep · Get to know the school personnel	· Make the mistake of embracing “do as I say, not as I do.” · Make consequences you can’t enforce · Forget to meet their friends · Use discriminatory language · Assume change comes easily

Social and Emotional Development

As your teenager transitions into high school, you continue to be an essential part of their life! Even though it may not be apparent, your teenager is paying attention to how you conduct your daily life. They believe, often unconsciously, that you are modeling the behaviors you want them to use. They see how you handle difficult situations, how you manage your interactions, and what strategies you use with colleagues and family members. They notice how you manage stress, work out issues with others, and handle unexpected problems, financially, socially or relationally. Your responses to current events, the political climate, and individual accountability are constantly observed and noted.

You remain the most important role model for your teenager. No matter how many times you hear, “I don’t care what you say or what you do”, they actually do care deeply about what you say and do.

Before we focus on the key themes of the ninth grader’s social and emotional landscape, we feel it’s important to remind you that your teenager’s high school experience is not your experience. It is theirs to share with you. The social and emotional landscape of high school has changed dramatically, driven by the advent of digital social media and information on demand. With this in mind, hearing your story and lessons learned may be helpful, but remember the context. Consider what will be valuable to share as a learning tool, but beware of sharing too much. After all, you are their parent, not their friend. Allow them to make their own mistakes and take ownership for them. Give your teenager the privilege of earning consequences. It’s an important life lesson and an opportunity to learn autonomy.

Be consistent, predictable, and fair in your choice of limits and consequences. Curfews, allowances, going to concerts, etc. should be discussed with clear expectations and limits set ahead of time. Consequences should also be laid out ahead of time. Whatever the consequences, they should fit the infraction, and be meaningful and enforceable if they are to be effective. For example, if the infraction is coming home later than expected, the consequence might be waking your teenager up early to do work around the house. If the infraction is not responding to texts when they are at a party or out with friends, the consequence might be not earning the right to go out the next time.

On average, ninth graders are still very concrete in their thinking and processing. This means that you as a parent must be clear, direct, and concise. To make sure that they understand what was discussed and agreed to, ask them to clarify what they heard. This practice will facilitate communication and minimize misunderstandings. Many years ago, a student complained to me that her mother wanted to know where she was at night and was worried about her decision-making and, to use her words, “[Mom] was always nagging!” I asked her to check in with her mother about the reasoning behind the nagging. She returned to my office several days later with a shocked expression on her face and told me, “It’s because she loves me!” It may be self-evident that it’s due to our love for our teenagers that we worry. We cannot anticipate that they will understand that; we need to say it.

If your family has always had rules and expectations, your teenager will be accustomed to them. As your teenager matures, those rules and expectations will shift and change. These “new” rules and limits should be designed to keep your teenager safe, just as your rules did when they were younger, but they should also be designed to help your teenager develop self-reliance and greater independence. Remember when your child walked or biked alone down the street for the first time? That was the beginning of teaching independence and self-reliance. As teenagers mature, it is your responsibility to keep building their resilience and autonomy: it’s an incremental process, and it is essential if they are to grow into mature and responsible adults.

In handling a difficult situation, feel comfortable saying that you are not prepared in the moment to talk about the incident or mete out consequences. Give yourself time to think about what is appropriate and what you want to say without giving a kneejerk emotional response. Years ago one of our colleagues shared this. He found telling his children/teenagers that he was “upset and needed time to think” before meting out consequences was useful. The teenagers respected his response, and the situation was addressed successfully when “cooler” heads prevailed.

Ninth graders often push for later curfews. You are the best judge of what is reasonable. Ask other parents what their curfews are and then think about how these limits affect your family. Have a conversation with your teenager and explicitly lay out your thinking. A mutually agreed on curfew is far more successful than an arbitrarily imposed one. While discussing the curfew, set out the consequences as well. “If you break curfew, then ... “. Be specific and choose consequences that are appropriate, and enforceable. If you give your teenager an honest explanation and map out reasonable consequences, you will get better results.

When your teenager arrives home, be awake and alert. It can be a time for reviewing the evening and catching up. It can also be a time for you to make sure that they are healthy, emotionally fine and not under the influence of alcohol or other drugs. If you cannot stay up, insist that your teenager wake you up and let you know that they are home and safe. A kiss or hug is a good way to say goodnight and will also give you an opportunity to detect any odors of alcohol or other substances. If you work the late night shift, have a system in place so that you know they are home, safe and sound. You are their touchstone and you give them their sense of safety. It may take more energy on your part but it is worth it. Your teenager will know that you care and that you want them to have a safe and emotionally rich high school experience.

Building a New Community

If/when you host your teenager’s friends, get to know them. If the party is in another part of the house or apartment, don’t hesitate to go in and, under the guise of seeing how everything is going, ask if anyone needs anything to drink or eat. We recommend having some type of snacks available: crackers, cookies, popcorn, juices, cider, and, or fruit. It makes your home a welcoming place. Cookies are usually a hit, no matter how old the teenagers! It’s one more way to encourage your teenager to feel comfortable in bringing friends home. If the teenagers feel welcome in your home, they will engage in conversation with you more readily and be respectful of your space. Please note that the size of your apartment, condo, home, is not what is important: teenagers notice how they are welcomed and how at ease they feel. The warmth of the interactions is what matters.

Have a plan with your teenager if a situation feels unsafe, uncomfortable, or awkward. With cell phones and texting, it is much easier now to quickly be in touch. Years ago parents and teenagers might have had a code word for “Come pick me up now!”. With texting, a teenager can text, “come get me” and the parent can text back, “Tell your friends you need to come home now: a family issue. I’m coming to get you.” Or parents can call and say, “You need to come home. We’re on our way.” And your teenager has an out and can put the blame squarely upon you. Code words do still work: we know many parents who use them with their teenagers. If your child wants something faster and more visual, you can pick a “code emoji” together. For example, a frowny face can mean “please come get me,” and a unicorn can mean, “I’m having a great time, and we are being safe!”

Some parents and teenagers also keep some money in a cabinet for emergency taxi rides. That, too, is a bit antiquated, with Uber and Lyft providing rides home. You may want to create an account with a service, emergencies only. (We know some teenagers who have used the service to get to school rather than walk. Make certain the parameters for usage are clearly defined.)

“Uber for Teens” allows youth ages 13-17 to request their own rides under parental supervision. Parents can set this up via their Uber Family Profile, which grants live ride-tracking, mandatory PIN verification, and RideCheck. Only top-rated, experienced drivers are matched with teens.

Teenagers may not find it easy to talk with parents about personal matters. Sometimes talking with another trusted adult is much less complicated emotionally. Talk with your teenager about whom in the family or which family friend may be someone with whom they could speak if they wanted to talk to someone but not you. Give them your blessing and let your teenager know that it is fine and completely normal. In many cultures, aunts, uncles and elder siblings fill the role of confidant and mentor.

When my son was a preteen, I talked with him about who he might want to call. “You mean I don’t have to tell you what we talk about?” he said. And he grinned. Knowing that others who care about your teenager will help them navigate these difficult waters means there are many more steady rocks upon which to grab hold.

An unfamiliar school with new classmates and new teachers may feel particularly stressful for students who have experienced racism, sexism, homophobia, and/or traumatic events. Parents should be extra mindful about the transition to high school and consider letting the school counselor or administrator be aware of the situation. Listen to your teenager to ascertain their comfort level in the new school. Are they emotionally comfortable? Are they feeling “less than”? Are there groups or forums for teenagers to discuss their experiences of being profiled, witnessing violence, or being discriminated against in or out of school? Who are their “go-to” people in the school itself? It can be extremely difficult to learn while feeling unsafe. If your teenager is reporting any type of hate speech, derogatory language, emotional or physical assault, immediately go with your teenager and speak with school personnel. Ideally, all schools should provide a safe learning space. Realistically, we know the many spaces continue to be works in progress.

Directions and Time Management

Provide clear and understandable directions to your teenager. Teens have a range of learning styles: some are highly visual, some are mainly auditory, some are kinesthetic, but most are some combination of these three modes. In school, directions are often written at the top of an assignment sheet or given verbally with students expected to write them down.

Your teen and you together can figure out what works most effectively for transitioning from assignment to completion. Understanding the resources available is useful. Some teenagers use their smartphones and take a photograph of assignments and directions. Others benefit from an assignment book where activities and due dates can be manually recorded. Still others rely on online applications and calendars that they can access via a computer or phone.

In ninth grade, teenagers are still very much in need of routine as well as consistent and clear expectations. When teachers and parents provide these, teens are less stressed, happier, and more efficient in their work. Often, the hardest part of work completion is getting started.

Whether it is sitting down with them at the table to help them with directions or asking them about their roadblocks, build the habit of starting and encourage them that progress is more important than perfection.

Model and teach time management. With more core classes, electives, sports, theatre, work, and clubs, juggling time to fit everything in successfully is another life skill your ninth grader must begin mastering. Time management skills need to grow stronger. High school academic demands are greater than those in middle and elementary school, and homework and extracurricular study become more important. Help your teenager develop a routine for doing homework, reviewing material, and studying for tests. Do they come home and start in on homework? Do they wait until after dinner? Is dinner at a reasonable hour to allow this? Make sure you agree on and arrange a good place to study. Reviewing notes and studying at a desk or table or a quiet place away from distractions is best. Allow this time to be theirs. If possible, hesitate from asking them to complete tasks within the home while they are in their "homework time". Respecting their quiet time will mirror to them how they can respect yours as well.

Many assignments now require the use of a computer or a smartphone. The temptation is to “quickly” scan Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, or the other “in” social media platforms of the hour. Work with your teenager to develop strategies for minimizing these distractions. If tech becomes a distracting factor, remember setting "time restrictions" on apps is always an option. In Barbara Oakley’s book “A Mind for Numbers”, she recommends the Pomodoro Technique, which involves setting a timer for twenty-five minutes, working undistracted for that time, and then doing something fun before continuing on. Even with this approach, we still recommend completing one’s least favorite work first, so there will be more energy at the end for the more favored class.

Many schools offer a variety of extra-curricular activities in theatre, sports, clubs, and volunteer organizations. Some schools even provide the opportunity for students to begin new clubs if their subject interest is not offered. These extra-curriculars are an important part of the social fabric of the school community. They are ways to meet new friends with shared interests.

Encourage Your Teenager to Participate

Some clubs and sports may have fees associated with them. Do not let financial constraints block your teenager’s ability to engage in the social aspects of school. Reach out to your school counselor or administration if financial assistance is needed.

Many teenagers (and adults) are over-scheduled and may not have learned how to handle free time – downtime - appropriately. There may be whining about “being bored” or defaulting to screen time: computers, video games, etc. Teaching strategies of handling down time is an important skill that we fear may be getting lost. Daydreaming, reading, spending time playing a

pick-up game of basketball with friends, exercising, taking a walk, riding a bike, listening to music, writing down thoughts, volunteering, checking in on an older family member or playing an instrument simply for one’s own enjoyment are essential skills to develop.

Developing the skills for down time is something that becomes an essential part of self-care for our adolescents. For too many teenagers, their schedules have been itemized and organized by people other than themselves. Let them start taking responsibility for figuring out their schedules and how to enjoy their downtime. Giving suggestions and setting limits on what constitutes appropriate downtime activities is under parental purview, yet at the same time you can encourage them to own their own down time.

Let Them Sleep

Sleep issues can certainly impact success at school. Teenagers generally require between eight and ten hours per night (National Sleep Foundation). Many times they do not receive enough sleep and are perpetually sleep deprived. Less sleep impacts memory, absorption of materials learned, physical and emotional health, energy, immune systems, and alertness. Screen time at night, whether on TV, a phone, a computer, or an iPad, can make it difficult to fall asleep.

Dr. Emsellem, a sleep expert, wrote an excellent book about teenagers and sleep and specific ways to promote healthy sleep hygiene. She addresses how melatonin production changes dramatically in adolescent brain development and provides helpful advice on how to trick the brain into melatonin production earlier each evening. One technique is to wear sunglasses in the early evening. The brain perceives that it is later in the evening and begins melatonin production sooner. The result is that your teenager feels fatigue earlier, and thus makes falling asleep easier.

Practice Makes Better

Trying out ideas, making mistakes, and then learning from those mistakes is a difficult process for teenagers to master. As adults, we understand that no one is perfect and that everyone makes mistakes. In fact, we adults see mistakes as opportunities to expand our knowledge and gain deeper insights into our understanding and ourselves. This idea does not compute with most nascent ninth graders. “Practice makes better” is something my son’s second-grade teacher, Mrs. Janet Houston, once said to him, and it became our family mantra. Emphasize that learning involves mistakes and model how correction and practice are essential parts of learning.

The transition to ninth grade can be difficult for students who have previously found class work easy. They often struggle with taking a risk as it might lead to a mistake and make them look stupid in front of their peers. Many think that it is better not to do anything than to make a mistake.

You can model this process of learning at home. In fact, you probably do it all the time but don’t articulate it in your teenager’s presence. After all – how many mistakes have you made? How many have you learned from? Sharing those mistakes (the appropriate ones) and how you personally learned from them is a valuable lesson. For teenagers to hear that you are fallible (and admit it!) can be quite powerful. Do you recall the last time you said, “I’m sorry.” And meant it? An honest apology goes a long way. And we all do things for which we owe apologies. Your teenager will long remember a heartfelt apology from you.

Listening and learning are important parental behaviors, especially during the teenage years. As a parent, you should have an idea of how your teenager is doing emotionally, socially, and academically. Asking open-ended questions is a great start. Ask about something funny that might have happened, or something unexpected, or who they ate lunch with. Asking “how was school” will most likely result in a “fine” or “ok”, or, as my teenager would say for a while to that question, “regular”. Again, think back to questions you would have liked to have been asked.

If possible, having some time together that is relaxed and fun can make all the difference. It does not have to be a long time: dinner together, or even a snack together. Research has demonstrated that eating dinner together as a family most often results in less involvement with alcohol and other drugs, closer family cohesiveness, and better social-emotional health for all of the family members.

We have found that teenagers tend to open up during car rides: perhaps the lack of eye contact makes a difference, perhaps being confined in the car without escape? Whatever the reason, if you have a car: use this strategy. It works. And when your teenager begins to talk, let them vent; do not immediately problem solve. They are talking! Let them go on. Listen and learn. And remember, growth and learning are happening for all of you. This is a continuous journey you are on together.